VULNERABLE POST ALERT
For such a long time, I felt like a burden to my family. I stopped working to have my daughter and even though my husband said he was happy to pay for everything, it made me feel terrible.
My mother would take me and my daughter to the hairdressers and pay for the three of us. I'd go to Costco with my dad and he'd pay for all the things I was buying.
I felt horrendous. I didn't have any money of my own. I'd gone from making almost 3 times what my husband made at one point to making absolutely nothing. And this got to me for such a long time.
I felt trapped. I felt like I was stuck without any money. I couldn't do anything, I couldn't go anywhere, I couldn't pay for anything for myself so I didn't want to go out with my husband because I felt like I didn't deserve to go out and spend money that wasn't mine.
This quickly turned into a big downward spiral and a terrible relationship with money. I didn't want to spend any because I didn't have any but I still needed things. I still had to get new clothes from time to time or new glasses when my prescription changed etc. And I felt like I was begging my husband for money. No-one wants to be in that position.
One of the reasons I started my own business was to have my own income. I wanted enough for us to be able to go on holiday every year. Just a couple of thousand so that we could have a nice holiday and still be able to pay our bills with the time my husband was taking off work. To me that would have felt like a real contribution to my family.
But I forgot something important.
The people in my life paid for things for me not because they see me as a burden but because they love me. I was ungrateful for all the things they gave me because I couldn't move past not being the one to pay.
If it was the other way around I would happily pay for everything for everyone else. Crazy how we can't look at it from their perspective right?
And once I realized that, I realized that all of this was holding me back in my business. The fear of wasting someone else's money on a bad investment was scarier than losing my own money. Having to ask to borrow the money made me feel like a small child asking for pocket money so I could play at being an entrepreneur.
And that kind of mindset really sucks. It's like a poison that you let leech in. It taints everything around you. I was stuck comparing my past to my present.
Things change, whether it's good or bad most of the time is up to you. Yes I stopped making my own money but I traded that for getting to watch my daughter grow up every single day. I was there for her first smile, her first crawl, the first time she pulled herself upright, her first steps, first word (which was dada, obviously!) I was there for it all and that's worth more than money.
So however you feel right now, remember the positives. Don't compare your present to your past or someone else's life. That kind of mindset just leaves you feeling better and frustrated and that's not where true growth or success comes from.